You finally did it. You purchased yourself a new shirt. Granted, it’s most likely either off the clearance rack or under 10 dollars to begin with (revisit “To Buy or Not to Buy”) but you took a baby step forward to acknowledging you’re still a woman that needs to be decently clothed once in a while.

So, you have a birthday party to attend. Naturally you decide to wear your new shirt. The process of getting dressed is most likely interrupted a few times. You’re pulling pants up… a giggling toddler is attempting to tug them down… Anyway, point is that you are, at least from the waist up, wearing a new outfit and want to glance in mirror at this phenomenon. “Hmm… not too shabby.” Feeling like $999,999 bucks, you gather the kids and head out the door.

You arrive at the party, scramble to get the kids out and make sure everyone is situated. Booger check…straighten shorts…tie shoes…fix hair…everyone’s in order. Well, almost everyone. While prepping your children to enter the party looking crisp and smart, you notice a spot on your new shirt. Schmutz… That unidentified spot dead center of your chest that sticks out like a sore thumb. You can’t, for the life of you, figure out where, what, or how this mystery dollop made it’s way onto the new shirt you finally purchased for yourself…”What the heck?!”

You’re obviously furious. With yourself, the kids, the dog?… Who knows. Somewhere, somehow the universe turned against you and granted you with the ruin of a bi-yearly event.

At this point you simply give up. Now you’re back to the state of mind where you never buy anything for yourself, EVER. “I knew it…I knew this was going to happen!”

Is there any hope for victory over the schmutzmeister?… Nope. It is what it is (story of our lives). Rock the schmutz, own the schmutz. You’re mid life crisis will gift you with all the cleanest and best kept shirts you can imagine.

Much like the baby weight we’re still trying to get off and the stretch marks lining your stomach and hips, schmutz can you added to the long list of battle wounds that Mothers must bare. Hey…..schmutz happens.


Please Explain…


You did it!…  You finally potty trained your little boy. It was a long, hard and frustrating process but you can now officially stop purchasing diapers and pull ups. On top of that, the daily mess that poop presented to you is now just a bad memory. Or is it?

You may not be cleaning the messes you once were but your sons fecal fascination is appalling. Almost every sentence includes the words “poop” or “fart” and you can’t wrap your head around where the heck this is coming from….

My theory… it’s a guy thing. There’s little to nothing we can do, as mother’s, to change the progression from admiring Mickey Mouse to, now, Mr. Hankey. There’s only so much dookie talk a girl can handle in a day.

What do we do? Most importantly, DO NOT laugh! If you find your son’s farting armpit a little silly, don’t let him know it! Even the tiniest of giggles can cause for encouragement. Encouragement is the enemy here. We are trying to deter this kind of behavior so keep a straight face as best you can. Have at an attempt to discuss why these words and acts are not appropriate and why your child should stop behaving in this manner. As the years pass you will see that your teenage son most likely never heard a word of it but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Some things truly are in one ear and out the other…  Instead of fighting a battle you can’t win, try to deflect the dodo topic to an at home kind of thing. Schools, doctors offices, grocery stores, friends houses… their all off limits. Let’s pretend we have some manners here boys! Grin and bear it, Mommies. It is what it is.

Clocking in!


We all know, as Mother’s, there are an infinite amount of necessary “to do’s” on a daily basis. No need to present the list, you all know exactly what I’m talking about.

There are a series of tasks that are required day in and day out as well as those “surprise, smack you in the face, forgot you had to do” kind of things. Bear with me…

Painting this image you can see a hectic household, a mother scrambling to get it all done, kids creating chaos, cat puke on the kitchen floor (discovered by your foot), and why not add a dog to the mix… Point is, there aren’t enough hours in the day to even put a dent in what it takes to make a home.

Now let’s talk about the Mommies out there maintaining employment elsewhere. What?! It can’t be physically possible… Doesn’t seem like it but somehow we make it happen. Whether the need and/or desire to work comes from an economical standpoint or you’re simply rocking your education and experience to make the world a better place, you’re exhausted. Parenting alone is enough to suck the energy from your inside out, now, running on empty, let’s go to work!

Consolation prize?… None. We’ve got the gold metal ladies! Pat yourself on the back and wear your prostration as a banner of pride. You are providing for your family in so many ways. Setting an incredible example for your children is reason enough to keep it up.

He Said, She Said…

20160408_112245-1You’ve finally sat down with a cup of coffee. I’d like to say a “hot” cup but you poured it 20 minutes ago so you’re lucky if it’s warm. Let’s start again…

You’ve finally sat down with a room temperature cup of coffee. You kick your feet up on the couch and rest your head back. You don’t even have the energy to try and find something to watch on TV, let alone attempt to reach the remote. The semi-silence of the house is more than enough to be grateful for. You can still hear the kids in the distance playing. Everything seems to be okay…

Ha! Who the heck are you kidding?! Okay? Things are rarely “Okay”. It’s a matter of minutes before the arguing begins. You hear your precious children’s voices go from giggles and cheers to yelling and screaming.

“It’s mine!”… “That’s not fair!”… “I had it first!”… “Stop it!”… And the ever popular “MOMMY!!!”…

Instinctively you want to yell back “WHAT?!” but try not to add fuel to the fire. A pleasant “Yes?” is the way to go. Even though you are putting on the performance of a lifetime, smile and sound happy.

You make your way to the play room only to be bombarded with accusations from each of your children. He said, she said… he did, she did… Your neck hurts from all the back and forth.

So how do you know, without having been in the room, who is telling you the truth? You don’t. Your motherly super abilities can come pretty darn close to knowing exactly what happened and how, but now’s the time to let your kids explain and to remind them of the importance of telling the truth. Your little guilt ridden child will confess without saying a word. If you’re dealing with a professional fibber, make like Finland and remain neutral. Settle the situation without ever really acknowledging who actually committed the crime. Apologies need to be given from all sides and hugs seal the deal, treaty signed.

Keeping the urgency of the situation to a minimum will help the kids forget what they were so upset about it begin with. Encourage them to carry on and have fun. Try and sneak away to see if you can finish that now cold cup of coffee before the next outburst. Hey, maybe that’s where the idea of iced coffee came from!

Take a Chill Pill!


In anticipation of a major event, important task, crucial appointment…what have you, we most often assume that we are going to be stressed beyond belief or that Murphy’s Law will rear its ugly head once again.

The list of catastrophes are ever growing in your mind prior to the day of importance. The night before… forget it… you’re lucky if you get any sleep at all. And for what? Because we have so little faith in the behavior of our children that we are blind to the optimism of the world? Yep!

Well, take a chill pill! We’ve all heard it before but have selectively chosen not to hear it.  Seriously, what ever it is.. coffee, alcohol, chocolate, yoga… your pick.. take it, do it, relax! Our kids have it in them to handle more than we are aware of. They WILL surprise you and you will have wasted hours/days of worry for absolutely nothing.

Life happens and we all have the ability to roll with the punches. We can learn a thing or two from our kids. Go with the flow and let things fall into place naturally.

We’re all in it for the long haul! Better to loosen up and breathe easy, your family will thank you for it.